Top Secret Mission
by chackers
Summary: Holmes is set on a quest to seduce an oblivious Watson... with an arsenal of moves supplied by Irene Adler. CRACK, Obviously. Holmes/Watson slashiness.


**Title: **Top Secret Mission

**Author:** Chackers

**Pairings:** Holmes/Watson (slight)

**Rating: **T

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Sherlock Holmes.

**Author's Note:** The kink meme. IT EATETH SOULS. This was for a prompt which asked for Holmes seducing Watson (it was Irene's idea) by doing stuff like the bend and snap.

~**~

It was the middle of the night, the atmosphere was unusually silent. Even the discordant violin screeches have stopped. Sherlock Holmes and Irene Adler were seated opposite each other, Irene had brought a sheet large sheet of paper, pinned it to the wall with a bowie knife, and drew a flowchart on it. "Operation Seduction" was written at the top with ornate, flowery font.

"I did this because I know you are a visual-oriented person," Irene lectured Holmes, who, to his credit, was looking extraordinarily attentive.

"I even decorated the borders with villainous little skulls and gold nuggets," she announced proudly, "this is the extent I go to for our plan to succeed."

"So this is you," she pointed to thumbnail, "and this is Watson." She pointed to another thumbnail, exactly the same as the first. Holmes started to feel that this would be a long night.

~**~

"Waaatson," Holmes called out. Watson choked on his tea, startled. His friend was leaning on the doorway in a manner which suggested he had lost all the bones in his body.

"Dear God, are you drunk again? At eight in the morning?" Watson reprimanded. Honestly, his friend's level of addiction was getting ridiculous and he will not, out of professional ethic allow it to compromise his health this way.

"Not a single drop. Honest to God." Holmes said, looking slightly embarrassed.

Watson sniffed suspiciously but found no trace of alcohol. He decided to let this one go while making a mental note to monitor his friend more closely in the future. Most likely using his charms on unsuspecting Mrs. Hudson and getting her to smuggle suspicious unlabelled bottles of "vinegar", Watson's mind deduced, a conspiracy!

"Hmm... right," he went back to reading one of the manuscripts.

"Oh boy, it is getting hot in here," Holmes fanned himself, "I shall take off my... er... waist coat." The aforementioned waist coat was discarded unceremoniously to the ground.

Watson's eyes never left the manuscript.

Holmes took a deep breath. This one does indeed require some skill. Irene had called it "Ye Olde Bende and Snappe", which she claimed was an old and trusted method. It supposedly drove men into wild and animalistic lust, although Holmes privately thought it sounded more like a rubber band. Nonetheless, he dropped several pieces of paper on the floor.

"Oh dear," he exclaimed melodramatically. "Looks like I dropped some papers on the floor, despite my excellent reflexes, I would have to bend over and pick them up."

"Holmes, there are important papers all over the floor. You never keep them on the desk." Watson deadpanned.

Holmes froze in mid motion, staring at Watson with his rear end in the air. He looked, most unfortunately, like a large, bearded kangaroo.

Watson looked at him from the top of the manuscript, came to the conclusion that imitating kangaroos were another one of his friend's eccentricities and he would respect. He shrugged and went back to reading. Living with Holmes had given him a high tolerance of this sort of things, what with the ritualistic catching of flies and everything. Absolutely nothing can shock him. Nothing.

Holmes was frustrated and decided to make clear his intentions. He sat on the seat opposite Watson, propped his feet on desk and bit his finger seductively, just the way Irene demonstrated to him.

"Sherlock Holmes," Watson's tone was an odd mix of military drill sergeant and mother hen, "I've had enough. Put your feet down now!"

He put them down so fast that it was almost a reflex action.

"And stop biting your nail." Watson narrowed his eyes at him

"No I wasn't."

"Yes you were."

"No I wasn't."

"Yes, you totally were. Now be quiet, stand in that corner and face the wall!" Watson raged.

He went over and stood there silently, looking like a kicked puppy. Watson felt his resolve melt a little. Patience, Watson murmured to himself. Another sign of madness, he thought hysterically.

"Now tell me what you were trying to do."

"Iwastryingtoseduceyou."

"What was that?" He thought he heard something like... No it could not be.

"I was trying to seduce you." Holmes wished he could melt into the wallpaper right then.

"Ah." All the synapses in Watson's mind promptly went haywire. After the shock was over, he could feel the laughter bubbling near his diaphragm, threatening to erupt. Looking at his friend's forlorn face, he stifled it.

"You should have just asked."

~**~

**Author's Note:** Another chappie might come if the inspiration strikes. Review, please. I need your review in my life, really. Even a "WUT?" will do. I know I deserve it. XD


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